Let The Summer Begin!

Riley was telling me the other day that he felt summer doesn’t really begin until we’ve been to a Cinespia movie.

Review: Wanted

There are shoot ‘em ups, and then there are shoot ‘em ups.

Me and Riley were lucky enough to catch an advance screening of Wanted at the L.A. Film School Tuesday night. I’ve been looking forward to this film since I first saw a teaser in January. Impossibly enough, it lived up to all my expectations and then some– think of it as The Matrix and Fight Club’s illegitimate lovechild on supercrack.  It’s so friggin supercool, it doesn’t give a damn if you think it’s over the top with plotholes a mile wide– to hell with you and your old school ways, biatch!

Office drone Wesley Gibson (James McAvoy) is dying a slow death in this existence he calls a life. His job is a joke, his girlfriend is cheating on him (graphically) with his best friend, and he suffers from panic attacks that make him look like a total pushover. But that all changes when he runs into Fox (Angelina Jolie), who rescues him from a killer and whisks him away to join The Fraternity, an ancient order of assassins who carry out the orders of the Fates themselves. They break him down, then build him up. Stronger. Faster. More powerful. Able to curve bullets with single wrist snap. His mission: to take down the man who murdered his father.

Seriously, just roll with it. It’s everything you want in a summer movie: lots of adrenaline-pumping action,  dark humor, uber-awesome set pieces, and Angelina Jolie being too-cool-for words.

Film Review: Shelter

“Barry, it’s okay you didn’t like Broken Hearts Club or Kiss Me, Guido. Let me tell you a little secret that we try to keep within the community. Gay movies suck. But, until the laws change, we’re still obligated to go see ‘em.”

- Will Truman, Will and Grace

Truer words were never spoken. By and large, most gay films suck. And believe me, I should know.

After I moved out on my own after college, I went through a certain phase, I’m embarrassed to admit. That’s right. I spent a lot of lonely nights watching gay movies (There, I’ve said it. Don’t judge me.). They tended to be mostly indie productions, so needless to say, they generally sucked. Minimal plot, poor production values, cheesy script, wooden acting—the list of sins go on.

These last few years though, there’s been a shift in quality– think Brokeback Mountain, Mysterious Skin, Come Undone. Every once in a while, you come across the unexpected pleasure. So it was that I rented Shelter on the recommendation of my friends Jeff and Anthony (Jeff: I promise I will someday return the Harold and Maude DVD that you lent me, like, a dozen years ago).  Watched it last night, and while it’s not perfect, it’s definitely become an instant favorite of mine.

It’s a simple enough story— Zach lives in lazy San Pedro, California, where he spends his days working two dead-end jobs and helping his needy sister care for her son Cody. The little free time he has, he spends surfing, skateboarding, and painting. There’s a girlfriend, but they’re currently taking a break. Nothing much else happens in his life. Nothing much ever will.

Everything changes when his best friend’s older brother Shaun reappears. The two get reacquainted and strike up a friendship that quickly turns into something more. But Zach still has to deal with familial obligations and his own fear of getting outed, both of which threaten to keep him from following both his heart and his dreams of painting.

Like I said, it’s a simple enough story. But it’s elevated by some really good production values— Joseph White’s cinematography is especially vivid, capturing some truly beautiful images of the Pacific Ocean. Points as well to some good editing; a script that, while imperfect, still manages to be solid; and some good acting. Trevor Wright as the conflicted Zach delivers an especially strong performance.

The film has its flaws; Brad Rowe’s Shaun is perhaps too perfect, especially if you consider the position he’s in by film’s end (“Wow, all I wanted was a surfer boyfriend. And now I’m stuck with all this?”). But I’m willing to overlook all that because, every once in a while, the gays deserve their happy-ever-after.

Shaun and Zach

Shaun Plays Surrogate Dad

On the Beach

Dodger Dogs on a Dog Day

Just our luck– we got tickets to a Dodgers game on the fricking hottest day of the year! We had seats at the all-you-can-eat pavilion, which was great– all the Dodger dogs you could want. Yum! On the minus side (and it was a big minus), we were seated in an area with no shade. It was like being roasted alive. My friends tolerated this for all of three innings, then hightailed it downstairs. Riley and I last a bit longer, but even we had to give up at the top of the fifth. Arggh! Next time, we’re going for a night game.

The upshot on this is that our money was going to a good cause– proceeds from our ticket purchases benefitted both the JWCH Institute and the Asian Pacific AIDS Intervention Team, both of who do great work in the community.

Worst. Movie. EVER.

Oh dear God. I can’t believe I’m watching this.

It’s almost midnight on a Friday. Riley’s out of town, which is always bad news for me. At least when he’s around, there’s someone to hold me back from doing truly stupid things, like eating half a jar of peanut butter or making odd little videos with sock puppets. Or, like tonight, stopping me from watching what I am officially going to say is the—-

Worst. Movie. EVER.

I pride myself on being something of a film nut. There are tons of movies I haven’t seen, but I at least know they exist. I even know about some of the all time worst movies.

But this– I never dreamt such a thing existed. This–

It’s a film called The Apple, and it’s on Turner Classic Movies right now. From this, I must conclude that TCM’s definition of the word classic is exceptionally broad, encompassing the nether regions of quality. How else to explain this train wreck of a musical that is stabbing my eyes right now? How else to explain this assault upon my fragile sensibilities?

And yet– I can’t stop watching.

Quick plot summary: In the dystopian future of 1994 (the film was made in 1980), two starry-eyed and rather annoying youths, Schmuckboy and Idiota (Not their names, but I can’t be bothered to learn them), enter a music competition. They so obviously are the best (because they’re so annoyingly pure and sweet), but lose due to the machinations of Boogalow Music Industry and the evil Mr. Boogalow. Idiota is seduced into signing with Mr. Boogalow and becomes an overnight, if soulless, sensation (Oh, Beyonce, did you think you were the only one?). Meanwhile, Schmuckboy stays true to their simple folk music ways.

Got all that? Good, coz here’s what’s happening now:

Schmuckboy’s decided to win back Idiota. He’s braving the very bowels of disco hell now, like Odysseus in search of Urydice. He’s been slipped a mickey, so he’s going into a weird Village People fugue.

Now, the evil seductress is leading him away, as she croons, “I’m coming, coming for you.” Yay double entendres! Oooh, this song actually has a nice disco beat to it. Great, even I’m being seduced to the Dark Side.

Damn. This guy has a hot bod. If only he wasn’t a) an idiot; b) a bad actor; and c) from a certain angle, looks like Will Ferrell.

Dream sequence/orgy scene! Like synchronized swimming, only with cheesy sexual simulations.

Oh no– Shmuckboy finds Idiota in bed with some loser. CRA-ACK! That, boys and girls, is the sound of a heart breaking. He’s running away now. Poor little Shmuckboy.

Shmuckboy wakes up on a park bench. Makes the acquaintance of the King of the Hippies. He’s brought to live amongst a tribe of wandering gypsies living in the great wilderness that is Central Park. Great– so it’s hippies versus the disco crowd? Hippies= Good? Did anyone tell Donna Summer that?

Meanwhile Idiota realizes she’s just not that into Disco and the forces of evil. Oh come on! Did she even give evil a fair shake? Did she really boogie oogie till she just can’t boogie no more?

And the hippies are chased away by the fascist cops. Say goodbye to the sixties, kids.

Idiota tries to break free of the evil Discoers. Finds her way to the park, where she meets the King of the Hippies. Man, it looks like he hasn’t had a bath in ages. Say what you will about Mr. Boogalow and the Disco forces of evil– at least they believed in personal hygiene.

Idiota and Shmuckboy are reunited. The Hippies sing the phrase “Child of Love” over and over again. We get it, we get it.  So it looks like a happy ending for all–.

Oh no! New York’s finest futuristic fascist policemen have surrounded the hippies! And here comes the devil himself, Mr. Boogalow. Seems Idiota owes the devil himself ten million dollars! See boys and girls, that’s why you should never make a deal with corporate America. They’ll screw you every time.

Schmuckboy tells Idiota not to worry– Mr. Tops will save them. [Really? Mr. Tops? I didn't think this movie could get any gayer, but...]

Oh dear God in heaven. Literally. There’s a glowing Buick in the sky. And God– aka Mr. Tops– is at the wheel. He’s.. what’s he doing? Great. He’s taking them away. It’s like the Rapture for Hippies.

And so only the evil and unworthy are left to indulge in sex and disco. Well, that’s punishment…

Credits roll. This was written and directed by Menahem Golan. And suddenly, the excruciating pain in my brain makes so much sense now.

I am rewarded afterwards with some old behind-the-scenes clips from the first Shaft movie. There’s Isaac Hayes as he plays the Shaft theme! Awesome!

Next up on TCM: Roller Boogie. Tivo describes the plot thus: ”A Beverly Hills runaway and her roller-skating partner protect their disco rink from mobsters.” Must–reach–for–remote…!

Feast your eyes, if you dare, upon the original trailer for The Apple.